WARNING: This post has super raw contents... as raw (and at times as ugly) as the raw chicken drumstick pictured below...
Hehe :P Don't say I didn't warn you! Raw chicken is pretty much the most raw thing out there!
The first day I wanted to say goodbye to my eating disorder (ED) was the first day that I experienced related thoughts/patterns/actions.
That day was some day in early 2013 in year 13 , at least 6 years ago ...at least 2190 days ago .... 52,560 hours ago. The first time I wanted to say goodbye was that long ago, and has been my want every single one of those hours ever since.
I wanted to say goodbye because my eating disorder, ED, told me I was not good enough, it made me feel guilty for wanting to live freely, it made me feel ashamed, it chained me to numbers rather than experiences and disallowed joy in many circumstances, labeling joy as being flippant, out-of-control and/or lazy.
I wanted to say goodbye when ED told me I could not eat anything 'fatty' because I would get heart disease or overweight
I wanted to say goodbye when ED sent me on pre-breakfast long runs with no food, then told me to only have 2 weetbix with a bit of yogurt and definitely no fruit topping, then to make my lunch of a peice of fruit and 1 peice of homemade bread with vegemite or hummus, and to feel guilty while eating any of these things.
I wanted to say goodbye when ED told me that I should go for another 'training' session today because I ate carbohydrates + I sat still in class or in lectures or at work and so 'every moment you're not moving you're gaining fat and losing fitness!!'
I wanted to say goodbye when ED reminded me nothing I did was ever good enough and I was greedy and lazy
I wanted to say goodbye when ED told me that I should do home workouts until 2am because I haven't 'used up' the food I ate that day yet
I wanted to say goodbye when ED took the joy away from being active out in the sun or rain and twisted it into a form of compulsory torture
I wanted to say goodbye when ED told me I couldn't go surfing, skiing, tramping because they didn't burn as much energy as 'training'
I wanted to say goodbye when ED sent me walking around the streets looking for a 'healthy enough' option instead of sitting with my family enjoying lunch during family holidays around NZ
I wanted to say goodbye when ED made every trip to the supermarket feel like being sent into a full battle field- a stressful fight in my mind at every stupid basic decision ... "Is fruit too high in carbs?", "Should I be eating vegan?", "Can I risk some yogurt?... I might eat it all at once!", "What vegetables are the best for me?", "I need iron-rich foods...but isn't red meat carcinogenic?", "I like those nut bars, but I shouldn't get packaged food" etc etc!!
I wanted to say goodbye when ED scared me off from being creative in sewing or writing/blogging because it was inactive and plus 'are not good anyway'
I wanted to say goodbye when ED fought to replace the truth of God's Word and infinite, eternal and unconditional love for His children (an adoption into His family by faith in His Son Christ) with lies of inadequacy and slavery to worldly things.
I wanted to say goodbye when ED stopped me from joining hangouts with friends because 'you look disgusting and fat today, they will all be thinking about how much fat you have' or 'that's just you being lazy as you could commit to burning off your dinner instead' or 'you can't control yourself if there is delicious food to share'
I wanted to say goodbye when ED convinced me that I looked uglier after eating a full meal of food and even uglier if I ate something for pure enjoyment
I wanted to say goodbye when ED highlighted every 'flaw' of my body each time I caught a glimpse of my reflection
I wanted to say goodbye when ED sent me on yet another desperate search for a healthy enough diet or meal plan or ready-meal service that I could chain myself to so I could finally find peace by being perfectly healthy, fit and lean.
I wanted to say goodbye when ED set standards of 'perfection' for me to reach before I would have permission to enjoy life and be at all confident
I wanted to say goodbye when ED suggested I eat as little as possible all day long, letting hunger grip me always, only to let me freak out that night and binge in fear that I'd end up losing weight to become that anaemic 17yr old 49kg skeleton again
I wanted to say goodbye when ED encouraged me to eat so much within a few evening hours that my stomach stretched out like a pregnant woman's because it was 'the last time I will ever eat X food' or 'I will try double my 40hr famine fast this week because food is the enemy'
I wanted to say goodbye when ED sent me off in the night after eating 'too much' to run, bike or walk off the food to some extent, instead of spending time with my flatmates or out visiting friends or resting doing something creative or fun
I wanted to say goodbye when ED told me I was a fat piece of shit (ED swears) and that if I wasn't going to run/bike/HIIT it off then I would have to throw it all up again because I'd been so greedy
I wanted to say goodbye when ED taught me to skull litres of water and do burpees to disturb my stomach enough to make throwing up easier, feeling horrible, dirty, exhausted and afraid. I've heard people die of bulimia from electrolyte imbalance or burst organs. Lord please help me I would call out!
I wanted to say goodbye when ED led me to my bedroom with worship, rap or party music playing loud enough to cover my throwing up into the large mixing bowl or laundry bucket until I felt empty enough again
I wanted to say goodbye when ED had me cleaning up afterwards with a headache, sore throat and absolutely mentally&physically exhausted
I wanted to say goodbye when ED left me in my bedroom or out on a walk in the dark night crying out to Jesus for help, love, forgiveness and the self-control to never again go back to listening to ED
I wanted to say goodbye when ED lay with me on my bed as I read God's Word and/or wrote to Him praying for the beautiful people in my life, learning truths and asking for freedom from this disorder's chains. As I felt my hope rise up, ED would remind me of my failures and tell me God wasn't really able to use me anymore, it told me God was sick of my mess, it told me God would have to give up on me and it told me the dreams God had planted in me were probably never going to become a reality now. ED liked to tell me to give up and to be hopeless.
I wanted to say goodbye when ED reassured me it was all worth it and the only way to be worth anything
I wanted to say goodbye when ED convinced me that no-one really liked being around me; they were just trying to be nice to me
I wanted to say goodbye when ED left me with no energy to do anything except stress about the fact I had no energy and wasn't doing enough
I wanted to say goodbye when ED spoke to me in the morning telling me to be afraid because I was going to fail again and left me afraid to start my day
I wanted to say goodbye when ED interrupted and fogged my mind as I studied and sank into God's Word every morning - it wanted me to know that what I was reading in the Bible or hearing from God in my heart was wishful thinking and not able to be true until I 'sort myself out'
I wanted to say goodbye when ED came with me to work reminding me of how disgusting I was and how everyone could notice my extra fat from late-night eating and began its usual reminders to stay hungry and minimise food
I wanted to say goodbye when ED told me I was never going to get well again and out of its prison so I may as well cling to it as the only thing I was good at doing/following/committing to
I wanted to say goodbye when ED made the sensory testing of small spoonfuls of different meal creations stressful and left me feeling greedy for eating these 'extra' calories
I wanted to say goodbye when ED kept reminding me of how lazy I was getting as I chose to 'be kind' to my body by walking at lunchtime instead of doing a tempo training run. It made me hyper-aware of how my work pants or shirts used to feel looser. It told me to walk faster. It told me I was a disappointment
I wanted to say goodbye when ED told me I shouldn't swim, run or even bike anymore, let alone do 'training', because I was 'too fat' and would disturb those who had to see me in my swimsuit/running shorts+tee/lycra cycle kits. It told me to be ashamed and to hide.
I wanted to say goodbye when ED thoughts became my autopilot throughout the day, dulling out all other things including my Father God's constant soft voice of love, reassurance, care and comfort, calling me into trust, rest, faith and hope again every minute.
While I wanted to say goodbye in every one of those 52,560 hours past since I first said hello to ED, but in every one of those hours I was also convinced by ED that I actually liked it and that I wanted, actually, NEEDED, it in my life.
The truth is I never wanted to have a eating disorder, but I was scared that if I said goodbye to ED I would also say goodbye to any achievements and attractiveness and motivation and value.
ED told me I had no value without it.
ED told me that all I had was because of my obedience to it.
ED told me if I said goodbye then there would be no reasons for anyone to like me or be inspired or live healthier.
ED told me I had gone too far and I couldn't tell anyone either because they wouldn't understand and/or would be disgusted and/or would tell me I just needed to try harder
Eating disorders -orthorexia then also bulimia from the end of 2018 into the start of 2020- have made living in my mind like living in a painted prison of life: Beautiful yet horrible, free yet trapped reality of living with a life newly free in Christ but with an eating disorder still trying to convince me otherwise.
The tension, the encouragement, the depression, the joy, the hopelessness and ultimately the revelation of God's mighty perfect plans and purposes.
These two quite alt-y songs almost tell a bit of the swirlings yet hope & solid faith in my head: Still Feel by half.alive and TrusT by half.alive
Oh how much He knows my every need, teaches me and gives perfect gifts.
How much He has been teaching me of the depth of His love and faithfulness.
How much I have eternal hope because I can trust Him to bring to completion His plans for my life despite my struggles and doubts if I keep surrendering.
The following verse brings tears to my eyes and I have shared it with so many who are in hard stormy uncertain times:
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
-Matthew 6:25-34 [from the Bible, God's living Word]
Too much worrying about tomorrow has tried to steal my life, but God's care prevails and always wins. "Love never fails" -1 Corinthians 13:8 [from the Bible]
God is real. God is with those who choose to put their trust in Him through believing in His Son Jesus Christ.
Jesus came to the earth to show us God's nature and to die for our sins so that we could be saved.
Jesus opens up salvation and new life, because He rose from the death after dying under the weight of all of God's punishment for our transgressions- He took them to the grave with Him and on the third day rose; showing God can overcome all things, even death.
"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world” - John 16:33 [the Bible]
He's not ashamed to love us in our messed up-ness, He did not come to judge us but to save us. To reconcile us to God.
He's not ashamed to love me Miss messed up, scared and struggling Eva. We all have parts so shameful we think no-one, let alone a perfect beautiful God, would love us... but Jesus, God in human flesh coming to live, die and rise for our freedom, loved us to death & to life.
Jesus is our hope, I don't want to die - not now in my spirit/heart or in the future physically.
Jesus gives us the opportunity to have eternal (unlimited) life today by a new life in our spirit as we surrender to Him who took away our sins so we don't need to be controlled by guilt or shame any longer. I'm growing in walking in that, denying the shadow of shame that has faithfully followed me for so long.
Jesus also gives us eternal (unending) life as the one who showed that even death cannot hold Him.
Jesus is our Good News to cling to every day no matter what we are hit down by.
Christmas celebrates that hope - a beautiful time to rest, laugh, love, gift and receive gifts remembering the true goodness of life...
...and I choose to celebrate & live in that hope every day.
Jesus is willing and able to bring rest, laughter, love and gifts into every day of our lives.
When Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit made us each in the image of God, they did so out of love and for His glory. We were to walk alongside Him tending for the earth, loving God & one another and creating & flourishing.
We were made to live freely in the knowledge of God's sovereignty and His complete unfailing love for us in our uniqueness and purpose, just as He designed us.
A prediction of Jesus' birth in the Bible reads:
6 For a child is born to us, a son is given to us.The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
- Isaiah 9:6 [from the Bible]
I don't know about you, but I need a wonderful counselor, mighty God, everlasting Father and Prince of peace every day of my life.
Jesus is the wise friend I can talk to and learn from, He is Son of the all-powerful creator God, He is a father that never leaves or fails and He is in control and can sustain peace in our hearts.
Too good to be true? It seems like it ... because the counselors in this world can be unhelpful, gods in religion can bring bondage, guilt and condemnation, fathers here on earth can abandon or disappoint and it seems princes don't walk the walk and peace evades the earth a lot of the time.
But I've found God's Word to be true and Jesus to be the truth, the way and the life in my own walk.
ED has told me a lot and got me to listen and do a lot, but the truth and new life found in following Jesus despite all things is what has kept me moving forwards in hope, able to smile and, ultimately, alive to sit here writing.
Love to you! Aroha nui! You are loved!
